On the 8th Date of Christmas...

On the 8th Date of Christmas
W/M/33??? Don't remember his occupation

12/31/11


Well I just had to. I didn't really plan on this date either. Although I had decided that the last 6 dates were going to be on my watch, I hadn't exactly pulled my online dating profile down yet. And then I got the message in my inbox. It was like gold. A dude was from San Francisco and he was going to be in Portland for a few days. A few things were great about this. 1.) He was from out of town, so I wouldn't have to see him again if I didn't want to. 2.) He wasn't going to get attached too quickly because of logistics. And 3.) He was in town for a wedding. But not just any wedding. A wedding on New Year's Eve! And I was invited. Yes.


I knew there was a reason I had decided not to make any specific New Year's Plans with anybody. At a wedding you can't go wrong. People are always drinking and always dancing. This was going to be awesome! Count. Me. In.


Well the night before I had randomly decided to go out with my bestie from HS. We met up with some friends and ended up having a few drinks. It was super fun! We drank. We sang. We danced. We even ended up at a Salsa club and myself and her and my other buddy were probably the only white people in there, but we got our groove on. I stayed on her couch that night and woke up with a bit of a head ache so I had no intention of drinking that night. I wanted to start the New Year off right, and preferably be sober going into it.


Mr. August called me and asked if I would prefer to meet him for lunch before I met him at the wedding reception. No way Jose! I would prefer the surprise element. He was down too. The wedding was at the Fairgate Inn in Camas Washington. I opted to miss the wedding and hit the reception. But what was I going to wear? I had a dress that I could wear that was fancy enough, but it was strapless, and I really didn't want to have any limitations while dancing so I opted for the mall.


I tried on dress after dress, and nothing was speaking to me. Just as I was leaving the mall though and had decided to go for the dress I was originally thinking of, I saw it. It was bright Orange and vibrant colors. It had poofy sleeves from the 80's. It was wild. As soon as I saw it, I knew it would look good on. And it did. I felt hot. It didn't really feel like a fancy wedding reception dress, but it was New Years Eve too and I thought it fit with that theme better, so I went for it in case I had to ditch the wedding for any reason. I accessorized with some awesome feather earrings, a thick black belt to go around the waste and my famous black boots! Plus, I kind of felt like I needed to dress a little bit wild, since I was about to do something wild.


I got home and I tried to nap and just couldn't, so instead I painted my fingernails (something I hadn't done in years!). Me and my roomies pumped up the jams to pump up ourselves for the night and all got ready. We tried on outfits for each other and gave opinions. We walked around the house half naked doing our hair and makeup, giving ourselves hours in advance to relax and get ready. I shaved my legs, my pits, and my bikini line. I put on a thong and some tights, and was feeling fresh! Let's do this!


And speaking of thongs, they are absolutely the most uncomfortable thing anyone has ever come up with. If you disagree with me, you lie. I mean if you're going for no panty lines while in a dress, it's better to be in that than to show your beaver to everyone while stepping out of a vehicle. Sorry Britney. Nothing but love for you... And since I was going to be at a wedding, who knows what kind of dancing I was going to get myself into. Ass floss it is. And hey... if the date bombs, then you never know who is going to be at the wedding that's single if you know what I'm sayin' eh eh eh???... ;) Not really... but fun to think about anyway.


It's finally time. I show up around 9:40 pm. Late enough to where hopefully not many people will notice me coming in. The band has already started, and people should be feeling drunk enough not to care. I get in the parking lot and this Bed and Breakfast is just beautiful. It's super fancy. I instantly start second guessing my outfit. There's no way I'm dressed fancy enough for this joint. I call Mr. August to see if he will come meet me and it goes to voicemail. I'm giving it 10 minutes and if he doesn't call back, I'm just going to go to a friend's party in Gresham. He called back within the minute. Here goes nothing.


It's freezing outside but I am sweating already. At least my dress has enough colors that you can't notice too much when I'm pitting out. Why am I nervous all of a sudden? This is a rare feeling for me, especially in this kind of situation. My hands are balmy and I feel like I'm about to do a public speech that I haven't prepared for. Holy crap.


He starts walking towards me, but it's dark. I can barely make him out. I really only looked at his profile picture once. I didn't really care all too much who I was meeting, I just liked the fact that he was 6'4". That will make up for anything else that may be wrong with his physical appearance, at least to get me through the night. We instantly hug when we meet. Already better than a lot of the first encounters I've come across on this whole dating adventure. I can't really make out his face, but let's get inside and start dancing.


Turns out the band was a Beatle's Cover Band. I was super stoked. But I wouldn't get to enjoy it yet because it was now time for the bride to toss the boquet to all of the single ladies. What the heck. I could see people staring at me as I set my purse and coat in the corner and lined up with the only other 3 single girls there. Who is this girl? was written all over their faces. And it's not like my outfit blended in with the evening attire. I didn't really feel like catching it though, since there was a girl on crutches that came out. She can have it. And she did. Phew. Glad that was over. Now it's his turn to catch the Garter.


Man. I thought I was going to have missed all of that stuff, but oh well. It was entertaining at least. And then Mr. August asked if we could go to his room and chat. He was staying at the bed and breakfast there that night. I set my purse and coat down in his room and we started chatting. "So... what do you do?" conversation started. Dang it, I thought I was going to avoid this whole awkward job interview feeling since I would be at a wedding, but it turns out he still wanted to have it. I felt more nervous than an important job interview. I really wanted a drink, but I still refrained. I needed to stay in control tonight. Plus, I don't need a drink to have fun, but just one might have helped a little.


Now that that's over with, let's dance already! We danced and it was cool. I tried to make friends on the dance floor and introduced myself to the only single ladies dancing by themselves and joined in. One of them happened to be an 11 year old girl. I think I'll be friends with her tonight! Mr. August was getting himself a drink as I was mingling and dancing and making friends. When he finally made his way out to the dance floor, one of the ladies that I had just met introduced me to him. Ha. "I'm his date." I announced.


Well Mr. August decided he was going to be embarassed letting his friends know that he met me online, so he made up a story that I was his roommate from college's cousin and I had visited him at school a couple of times, and that he had to see me when I was here. I let him do the talking as I watched his friends looks of confusion as he fumbled on the story. Good times.


I made friends with the band instantly, and was chatting them up all night. Looking over their set list. Making sure they had music playing, when they were on break. They needed a little help it seemed. But they were super sweet and seemed to enjoy my company. I continued to drink water for the night.


I was finally starting to loosen up and I busted a move like nobody's business. I watched as the clock got closer to midnight, the guests got friendlier and drunker. It was hilarious. One older couple was dancing and twirling and then the husband let go of his wife and she kept spinning and came tumbling into the crowd of dancers, destined to fall on her butt and break a hip. I was feeling rather Zoro-esque though, and felt like it happened in slow motion. I saw the damsel in distress, and my cat-like reflexes instantly grabbed her before she tumbled, and we were all of a sudden as close as two lovers would be, and she was in my arms. Well hello mam. I felt like I should go in for the kiss, but that may have been over kill. "Nice catch." she tells me. And I free her back to her husband. It's now an instant party.


The band is playing almost all oldies and I am loving it! I know all the words to almost every single song. I finally decide to take my boots off and I moon walk across the floor back to my date. The guests are going wild. They are eating me up. Drunk husbands are starting to feel like it's a good idea to come and talk to me, I'm not sure that the drunk wives were feeling quite as friendly though. The older women and men love me though. I'm not sure what it is about the older crowd, but I just fit right in with them, and they were my dancing partners for the night.


The date himself was alright. He was nice, but almost a little too friendly. I was his date, and he wanted to claim his territory. His hands were all over my ass all night. I didn't really care all too much, cause my dress did show off my booty rather nicely, so I couldn't blame the guy. The more he drank, the lower his hand would get. We boogied down, and slow danced too. It was fun, but I wasn't all too interested in him. Good for the night though.


Finally, midnight was approaching and I knew what was coming. I was completely sober at this point, but I'm usually always down for a little new years kiss. Almost everyone at the wedding had a date, so I probably did this guy a favor by being his for the night. He wouldn't have had anyone to kiss at midnight otherwise. We all counted down with the band and at the strike of midnight, we toasted with a sip of champagne and a New Years Kiss. It was not inappropriate at all. It was like an old movie kiss with no tongue. It swayed from side to side, but we kept it classy. After the kiss was over we started walking the other direction, and then he went in for a second kiss. Alright buud, don't push your luck.


"It's too bad the band didn't have someone to kiss at midnight..." Says Mr. August.


Within the minute, each band member had received a happy news years kiss on the cheek from yours truly. They loved it. I could sense the other lady's eyes burning on me though. Oops.


It's time to wrap up the night and the band is looking for their final song. I ask them to play that funky music, and they dedicated the white boy song to me, or rather "The beautiful young lady, passing out kisses."


We get down and they have us form 2 lines to have a dance off down the aisle. Couples are taking turns, and when Mr. August got to the front of the line, he called for me to join him, but I had something else in mind. I was gonna win this competition, and I didn't need him to mess it up for me. I had danced with him all night anyway, so I pawned off the 11 year old on him that got too nervous to go so he went by himself. Everyone had gone, and it was my turn to show em up. Bring it bitches. ha. I could see Mr. August trying to make his way back to the front of the line not to leave me hanging, but that's exactly what I wanted, so I hurried out there. And then I dropped to the floor. And here I go in my dress and all. The worm. Or the Caterpillar. Whatever you want to call it. It was go big or go home at this point. I'm now really glad that I opted for the Ass floss rather than the bare bottom that night. The guests roared with cheers and were in complete dis-belief that I had just done that. They had no idea that the Brown Bomb (Me) had just been dropped on them. Luckily (or unluckily) both of my sister's weren't there too, to add to the excitement.


Mother in laws, Father in laws, Grandmas, Uncles, Cousins, you name it were coming up to me to chat me up. They all smiled at me, and I could see everyone in the room chatting about me. It was hilarious. I think at this point I was officially a wedding crasher, if it wasn't official before. Mr. August really wanted me to stay. We all sat down chatting as he rubbed each of my feet. A girl could get used to this. "Well you deserve it." Yes... now that's what I'm talking about. I LOVE foot rubs! In fact, I love any type of massage. The harder the better really. I want to see those man hands work. But, no. I'm still not staying the night with you. I didn't stay sober for nothing.


Mr. August walked me back up to his room so I could get my stuff. This time he is practically begging for me to stay the night with him. He doesn't care. He'll sleep on the floor. He'll sleep in the hall. He's pleading at all costs. Sorry, but the answer is still no. I'm driving home and having breakfast with my family in the morning. He leans in to kiss me again. I take a step back. "I really should be going." He poors himself a shot of some type of pinkish alcohol and tells me I was supposed to be drinking that with him. I'm not sure how drunk this guy is, but he's pretty waisted.


"Come to San Francisco for my birthday." He shouts. "I will fly you there and take care of you. It will be fun." I play along with him to please him, but I'm really just interested in leaving the drunk mess at this point. "Can you at least stay a little longer so I can play with your ass?" Really?


"No, you can't. I'm going. Good night."


I left. Feeling pretty proud of myself for staying sober and having a good time. But not only that, but as I was leaving everyone was saying goodbye on a first name basis and telling Mr. August how much they loved me. I got home and got a text from him, telling me how he was talking to the bride and groom's parents and they were telling him how much of a hit I was, and then he was trying to convince me to move to San Fran. Mission accomplished. Ha.


Happy New Year!